


One Month

by kaydeefalls



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-05-30
Updated: 2002-05-30
Packaged: 2017-10-14 04:52:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/145571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaydeefalls/pseuds/kaydeefalls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein Sir Ian Holm sees all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Month

**Author's Note:**

> Why are there no Ian Holm fics out there? I don't particularly want him in a pairing, per se, but as a character...and so a fic was born. oh, and thank you, Gabby Hope, for the great beta.

"When the other Sir Ian (Holm that is) arrived from London in March, he was of course jet-lagged but that didn't stop his schedule of costume fittings and make-up tests from taking over straightaway. He was wandering round the workshops in Hobbit feet and a curly wig. I was filming in the Wellington studio next door and took him to the lunch tent. 'What's it like here?' he asked me, dolefully. I told him he was in for a treat and within 24 hours he agreed. A month later, he couldn't bear to leave, swearing he would be back in New Zealand before the movie was complete. This was not that he expected the part of Bilbo to be extended. Ian had discovered the South Island." --Sir Ian McKellen's "Grey Book"

* * * * *

Bloody airports. A moth splattering itself on an airplane windshield would cause a five-hour delay. I grumble quietly to myself, flipping idly through a nameless magazine. Glance at my fancy new wristwatch -- clunky, shiny thing -- and my grumbling increases in volume. Some pretty young thing a few seats away from me looks over, rolls her eyes, and continues yammering away on her cell phone.

I toss the magazine away in disgust. I wasn't really reading it anyway. This mightn't be so horrid if the oversized windows showed more than asphalt runway. I wander over, peering out into the distance, squinting for the cloud-covered mountains I know lie somewhere beyond the dark pavement and sleek planes.

Crackle crackle hiss crackle. Ah, the intercom.

"Excuse me. Flight 283 to Los Angeles will begin boarding in twenty minutes. We apologize for the delay."

I sigh, frustrated. I don't know which annoys me more: the fact that I must somehow waste another twenty minutes in this awful place, or the knowledge that in twenty minutes, I will be leaving New Zealand behind me for good. Only twenty minutes...

*

Twenty minutes until my first batch of filming began, and oh, I already needed a cup of coffee. I shuffled off in the direction of the food tent. Or, at least I thought it was the direction Ian McKellen had patiently led me in after costume fittings the day before. Not quite sure.

The contract never mentioned the Feet. It never said anything about hours of standing still while people glued these THINGS onto your feet, these clumsy, uncomfortable, horrid things. My first real day on the job and I'm stumbling around like a toddler, desperately trying to teach myself how to walk. How dignified. A man of my years and experience, tripping over his own feet!

I hear that New Zealand has some fabulous scenery. The other Ian promised me that I was in for a treat here. I had already noted some lovely mountains off in the background somewhere, although it was scarcely dawn at that point and I couldn't be positive. It would have been nice to admire my surroundings. Unfortunately, if I took my eyes off the ground in front of me for a moment, I would probably trip over a pebble.

Thump-thump-thump-thump.... If a hobbit could run, that's what it would sound like. I turned around slowly, carefully balancing so as not to topple over. I succeeded in remaining upright, at least until the slender hobbit sprinter practically crashed right into me.

'Sorry,' he gasped, grabbing my arm to keep me steady and looking up at me with bright blue eyes. He beamed. 'Uncle Bilbo! So you've arrived at last!'

This must be the young chap playing Frodo. Elijah, his name was. He was in full hobbit get-up, like me, but was obviously far more accustomed to the Feet.

'Yes, I'm....'

'Oh, terribly sorry, but Merry and Pippin are out for my blood, I've got to run, I'd love to chat later...' He was off.

'Oi! Lijah!' Thumpthump-thumpthump-thumpthump.... Two more hobbits dashed by. One didn't notice me at all, and I barely caught a glimpse of a yellowish wig and an even brighter vest before he passed me by. The other, an impish-looking fellow with a rather disheveled scarf, stopped for a second and grinned at me. 'I'm sorry about them, they're barely more than kids, you know. Nice to meet you, Mr. Holm, I'm Billy. I've got to make sure Dom doesn't kill Lij, sorry.' It all came out in one long string of words, and then he went tearing after the other two. I was left feeling rather breathless on his behalf. I didn't even know it was possible to speak that quickly with a Scottish lilt. I've never had trouble with accents before, but the very thought of running off words like Billy had was enough to tie my own tongue in knots.

Well, at least I was now standing still. Yes, I discovered, there were indeed mountains off in the distance somewhere -- I think Ian once mentioned mountains on the South Island. How picturesque. How peaceful.

The mountains might have been peaceful, but the set was not. I could hear shrieks of laughter and protest coming from the direction of the three lads. A fourth hobbit poked his head out of a tent. He was the first example of what I'd always envisioned a proper hobbit to look like -- that is, a little on the plump side. He also bore a strong resemblance to a particularly loyal cocker spaniel. When he saw me, he smiled. 'Hello. You must be the other Sir Ian. I'm Sean Astin, I play Sam.' He beckoned to me. 'Care for a cup of coffee? It's in here.'

'Yes, thank you,' I said gratefully, and stumbled over to the tent, ruefully bidding a temporary farewell to the mountains. 'Er, what were they going off about?'

Sean smirked, and the puppy-dog resemblance vanished. 'Elijah took some rather scandalous photos of Dominic last night without telling him. Dom was very smashed at the time, probably had no idea what he was doing or with whom, but....' He shrugged expressively.

'With whom?' I repeated delicately. I may be a little older than these boys -- oh, perhaps a lot older -- but I'm just as curious about gossip as the next man. Or perhaps a bit more than the next man. Besides, I was still working out who was who on set.

'Scandalous,' was all Sean would tell me. His brown eyes glinted. 'Hurrah for blackmail.'

*

I find myself in the small airport pub. "Hurrah for gin and tonic," I mutter to myself, gulping some down.

The air conditioning in this place is a bit too high, but I don't complain. It could be worse. I can't abide the heat, and today is a surprise scorcher -- it's April, a bit late in the season for it to be so warm out. Perfectly reasonable back home, of course, but here Down Under it should be getting quite cool by now. Just one of those days, I suppose.

The drink helps pass the time admirably. Why, I've been here for all of -- check the watch -- three minutes. Seventeen minutes until boarding, then.

"Would you like another one, sir?" The girl mixing drinks is very polite. I commend her for her patience; most of the travelers are in poor humor, what with delays and waiting and other forms of torture.

"Yes, thank you." She slides it across the counter, already prepared. She can read my mind already.

Well, when a grumpy old gentleman swallows his first gin and tonic in a matter of minutes, I suppose it's rather simple.

*

'It's rather simple, really,' Ian told me. It was our second day of filming scenes at Bag End, and during a five-minute break, I had expressed my confusion with regards to the younger actors. The nature of their relationships was far beyond me. The other member of my generation smiled mischievously. 'Dominic fancies Billy, Billy fancies Elijah, Elijah fancies Orlando, and Orlando fancies both Dominic and Viggo simultaneously. They're all perfectly straight, of course. Sean only has eyes for his wife, but he thinks he's Elijah's older brother, and Dominic and Orlando think he's their older brother as well.'

'Stop!' I cried. 'You've just made it all more confusing! What's all this fancying business?'

'Dominic fancies Billy,' he began again, but I waved a hand impatiently to cut him off.

'Now, I can't believe that every last one of them is queer,' I insisted. 'Not that I mind that you are, but it certainly seems like a disproportionate amount of the fellowship.'

His blue eyes twinkled. 'Oh, I believe our Sean genuinely prefers girls, or even if he isn't exclusive in that manner, he certainly is in love with his wife. And as I said, the others are all perfectly straight. But that hasn't stopped them so far.'

'Oh, what tangled webs we weave,' I muttered. 'I don't see how you put that all together. That flow chart monstrosity.'

'You haven't been here as long as I have,' he said innocently, tugging on the long, grey beard he wore for Gandalf.

'Fine,' I snapped. 'So how will it all end up?'

Ian sighed. 'I should think it would be obvious, really,' he admonished me. 'Can't you figure it out yet?'

'Obviously not.'

'Orlando will end up with Viggo, once he realizes that our Aragorn shoots him more meaningful looks than Dominic ever will. Then Dominic and Elijah will be together, and Billy will probably find a girl in a pub somewhere.'

My mind was spinning. 'Wait, I thought that Dominic fancied Billy and Elijah fancied....'

'Oh, now, yes, but they're far better suited for each other, don't you think? Close in age, similar personalities, already fairly well attuned to one another.'

'Yes, but that makes for a good friendship, not a love.'

'You wait.' He winked at me. 'I guarantee that by the time you leave the set, Dominic and Elijah will be together.'

I shook my head, confidently. 'You can't fall in love in a month. Oh, why should I care what the rascals all get up to, I'm too old for this.'

Ian laughs. 'So am I. Fun, isn't it?' His tone changed, and that mischievous smile returned. 'So, my fellow knight, which is your fancy?'

'Oh, no you don't,' I said hastily. 'I am not going to be involved in your little fairy soap opera, no offense intended. I have been married three times. I have five children, plus grandkids. None of this ridiculousness for me, thanks.' I sighed, trying to clear my mind of Sir Ian McKellen's interpretation of the younger actors' hijinks. 'Speaking of grandchildren, you must pop by for a drink later. I have some photographs I'd like to show you.'

*

"Oh, are those photographs of your grandchildren?" someone asks me. I look up. A plumpish, middle-aged woman has occupied the seat next to me.

"Yes," I reply. I've been perusing the worn pictures for a few minutes, for lack of anything better to occupy my time.

She isn't put off by my monosyllabic response. "Oh, that little boy looks just like my Timmy," she exclaims, pointing at one of my eldest daughter's children. I idly wonder why anyone would name their child 'Timmy.' It's such a bland name.

The woman is talking a blue streak about her own kids now. "He just turned ten last month. Isn't that thrilling? He's getting so grown up."

I grunt in an agreeable manner. Twelve minutes until boarding. Something tells me these will be the longest twelve minutes of my life.

"He's so into this science fiction stuff, collects all these knickknacks -- action figures, he calls them. Oh, he was so thrilled when he heard that they were filming the next 'Star Wars' movie in Australia, he's been begging me to take him on a visit to their set." She chuckles. "Can you imagine? Have you heard of 'Star Wars?'"

Eleven minutes and counting. "Yes, I've heard of 'Star Wars.'"

*

'How was your visit to the 'Star Wars' set?' I asked Sean politely. The four hobbit actors and Orlando had taken their brief vacation there shortly after my arrival.

'Interesting,' Sean replied, smiling cryptically.

'Scandalous?'

'Just a little.'

The week following their return was spent filming in the idyllic Rivendell sets. It also marked an unheard-of degree of tension among those particular five actors. Rumors travel quickly. Before long, even I had heard about the two most outrageous of their hijinks in that galaxy which wasn't quite far enough away.

Apparently, they had gotten a bit chummy with the young 'Star Wars' leads. To be specific, Orlando had had a little sleepover with the actress, Natalie. This didn't come as much of a surprise to anyone.

The shocker was that Dominic had behaved in a similar manner with an actor named Hayden.

That Friday evening, after filming was done for the week, the usual suspects invited Ian McKellen and yours truly to join them at a pub -- out of politeness, no doubt, because we had been shooting with them. I accepted eagerly, of course, less out of a desire for alcohol than to satisfy my curiosity.

The seven of us crowded into an uncommonly large booth, with my fellow Ian pulling up a chair to effectively preside over the table. What with the odd tensions left over from their trip, seating arrangements bore a striking resemblance to a face-off. Billy, Dominic, and Orlando looked vaguely confrontational, sitting across from Elijah, Sean, and myself -- although I was keeping out of it.

Conversation was a bit strained. In retrospect, I shouldn't have started digging for gossip immediately. Ah, well. 'So, did you meet any of the actors in this new movie?'

'Yeah,' Elijah replied shortly, scowling.

'Come on, Hayden and Natalie were both lovely,' Billy chided.

'They laughed at us for referring to ourselves as hobbits.'

'Yeah, Natalie and I had a wonderful chat about that.' Orlando grinned.

'Right, a chat,' Sean muttered.

'A chat,' Orlando repeated. His attempt at innocence was ruined by the gleam in his dark eyes. 'Just like the one you had with Mr. Christensen, right Sblomie?' He nudged Dominic, winking. Dominic's ears went bright pink, and he tugged on one self-consciously, staring fixedly into his ale.

Beside me, Sean was murmuring something into Elijah's ear. I noticed that the lad was glaring daggers across the table, and that only Sean was keeping him from doing something rash. I wondered who, exactly, he was so angry at -- from my angle, I couldn't tell whether it was Dominic or Orlando. Or both.

Ian McKellen took it all in silently, then stood. 'Well, unlike you young boys, this old man needs his rest. I'll be off.' He looked at me, and clearly indicated that I should join him. I shook my head. I wanted to see what happened! He sighed. 'Enjoy the rest of your evening,' he said, smiling at the others, and left.

There were a few long moments in which no one spoke. I toyed with my rather extensive set of keys, cursing myself under my breath. I should have gone with Ian. It was obvious that whatever this tension was, they wouldn't work it out with an outsider like me around.

Fine. So give it the opportunity to explode. I stood, plunking the heavy key ring on the table next to my ale. 'I've got to find the loo, back in a bit,' I said casually, and wandered off.

I took as long as I reasonably could, just to be on the safe side. It worked. As I approached our booth again, I could just make out the argument by ignoring the pub's ambient noise. Slinking as close to the booth as I dared, I began eavesdropping shamelessly. Call me a meddling old man, I don't care -- but never stand between me and my curiosity!

'What the fuck were you thinking?' Elijah hissed.

'I wasn't thinking, I was just going with the flow of things,' Dominic shot back.

'Don't be an idiot! Christ, you don't just bang any random actor you meet!'

'No, I don't, just this--'

Elijah plowed on ahead. 'You don't understand this business, you don't know what this could do to your reputation!'

'I don't have a bloody reputation!'

'Bad enough if it had been Natalie--'

'Hey!' Orlando piped up indignantly. They both ignored him.

'--but this Christensen character is virtually an unknown, he's--'

'Hey, Lij!' Dominic broke in hotly. 'I'm one of these unknowns, too, remember?'

This was dismissed as irrelevant. 'We barely even know this guy! You screw around with the wrong person, it'll follow you forever!'

'Since when do I need your fucking permission to have a little fun?'

'I'm just telling you--'

'I know what you're fucking telling me, and I don't give a fuck! You think you're so great, you've been acting since you were in diapers, but some of us are still figuring it all out, and if I want to try a few things--'

'TRY a few things?! And I don't think I'm so great, I just--'

'You just obviously handle yourself better than us lousy unknowns.'

I risked a peep into the booth. Dominic and Elijah were both leaning across the table, practically in each others' faces. Sean had grabbed Elijah's arm in a futile attempt to calm him down, while Billy was doing the same with Dominic. Orlando was leaning back, a vaguely bemused expression on his face. (I could never read Orlando -- he always gave off the impression that he knew something you didn't, and damned if he would ever tell you what it was.)

'You stupid fucking amateur,' Elijah snarled. I hadn't thought it possible for someone so fresh-faced to snarl, but there you have it. It was an interesting sight.

Dominic recoiled, as if he'd been slapped. His expression was blank, but his eyes flickered with emotions. Hurt, damaged pride, and anger were the strongest, along with something else that I couldn't identify.

It occurred to me that I really didn't want to walk back into this. In fact, this would be a good time for me to slip away. So I did.

It wasn't until I was at my car that I realized that the keys were still sitting on that table in the pub. 'Bloody hell,' I muttered to myself, and turned to go back inside.

But Elijah chose that moment to burst out of the pub, huffily slamming the door shut behind him. He didn't see me, what with the darkness and me ducking behind my car and all. Besides, he was too intent on lighting up one of his odd clove cigarettes as he paced around in a small circle. I could see his lighter spark a few times, but the cigarette didn't catch. I idly wondered how he could remain upright. In any normal lad, the alcohol he had imbibed should have joined forces with the tight circles he was making to cause some disorientation. I felt dizzy just watching him.

Sean emerged from the pub, far less dramatically. 'Hey,' he said softly.

'Fucking lighter,' Elijah muttered. He tossed the unlit cigarette away in disgust. Shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans, he turned to face Sean.

'You could've handled that a little better,' Sean commented mildly.

'Tell me something I don't fucking know.'

Sean hesitated a moment before continuing. 'You know Dom is a bit sensitive about his relative lack of experience. In acting, I mean.'

'Yeah.' Elijah's voice was a hoarse whisper.

'So is Orli, for that matter. I'm kind of surprised that you threw it at them like that.'

'I didn't mean to, it just came out.' One hand came out of his pocket, and his fingertips found his mouth.

Another pause. 'Lijah, why'd you pick on Dom?' Elijah didn't respond. He was too busy ravaging his fingernails. 'You could've reamed Orli out for it, too. I don't believe that shit about Hayden being an unknown for a second. You've never been an elitist before.'

'I don't know,' Elijah said. The hand dropped back into the pocket. He sounded ragged, now. Broken.

'I just want to know why--'

'I don't know, goddamn it!' Elijah cried out. 'I don't know! Stop lecturing me! You're not my fucking mother!'

'I'm not trying to be,' Sean said quietly. 'I'm just trying to work things out. What Dom did--'

Abruptly, Elijah threw himself into Sean's arms, sobbing. This surprised Sean almost as much as it surprised me. But he recovered faster than I did. 'Hey, it'll be okay,' Sean told him, looking for all the world like he was comforting a small child. His parental (or loyal cocker spaniel) instincts must have kicked in.

'I've fucked things up so badly.' Elijah's voice was muffled by Sean's shoulder.

I thought longingly of my keys, probably still unnoticed on the table in the pub. The more I saw, the more I felt like an intruder. This was a private moment, and I was invading it. Even my normally bottomless well of curiosity has its limits. All I wanted was to get out of there.

*

All I want is to get out of here. That woman has been yammering away for six whole minutes now, and she's showing no signs of slowing down. I now know more about Timmy and his little sister Emma than I could ever possibly need.

Another gin and tonic. I would have progressed to a stiffer drink long ago, but I don't particularly fancy the notion of flying drunk. Being on an airplane is unsettling enough as is, no need to be seeing double during takeoff.

Apparently, Timmy just recently won a science award at his school. Please, God, I don't ask for many favors -- but don't let this woman be on my flight!

Crackle crackle hiss crackle. "Excuse me. Flight 283 to Los Angeles will begin boarding in five minutes. Passengers for flight 283 should proceed to Gate 12. Thank you."

And thank you, God, for your timely deliverance. I stand, as politely as possible. "That's my flight! It's been lovely chatting with you, the time has just flown by." The woman beams at me, and I make good my escape.

*

The days following the argument at the pub did not exactly fly by. Fortunately, the hobbits were split up during filming -- sickly Frodo in oversized elf bed talking to Gandalf and Sam, Frodo talking to Bilbo, and heaven knows what Merry and Pippin were doing on the blue screen. But the makeup and Feet sessions were extraordinarily tense. Elijah would look at Dominic as though he were about to apologize, then Dominic would set his jaw and stare fixedly at anything BUT Elijah, which in turn would make Elijah angry again. Not a pleasant cycle.

One morning, I emerged from the trailer a bit later than usual -- I was shooting some scenes in which I had to look particularly old, and the makeup people were having a field day applying as many wrinkles to my face as possible.

As I shuffled out of the trailer -- I firmly believe that my Feet were made to be larger and more cumbersome than anyone else's -- I inadvertently stumbled upon Billy and Dominic. They were engaged in a rather heated discussion behind the trailer. Curiosity overcame me, as per usual.

'--don't know why I should be apologizing,' Dominic was saying.

Billy sighed. 'I didn't say that you had to apologize. Just talk to him again. This is getting ridiculous, you two were such good friends.'

'It's his fault,' Dominic insisted stubbornly, crossing his arms.

'Well, he might've overreacted a little, but you were the one who--'

'For fuck's sake, Billy! Listen to yourself! It's like Elijah can do no wrong.' Dominic's features twisted bitterly. 'You worship that kid.'

'I do NOT worship him,' Billy said, but his face was an interesting shade of pink, and he started fiddling with his character scarf. 'I'd like this stupid fight to end, that's all.'

'It'll end when he's ready to apologize. Now will you get off my fucking back?'

Billy made an inarticulate sound of disgust, throwing up his hands. 'All right! I give up! I'll leave you alone!' He turned to go, but Dominic grabbed his arm, looking contrite.

'No -- wait, Bill, I'm sorry. You're just trying to help, I know, but it really has nothing to do with you.'

'Yeah, I know, I'm just getting sick of it. You're both my friends, I hate being stuck in the middle. Sean's getting fed up with it, too.'

'I know,' Dominic sighed, tugging on his ear for a second before realizing that it might be bad for the prosthetic. 'I just don't get why everyone's blaming me. Lij is the one who blew up.'

'Sean is mostly blaming Lijah, actually.'

'S'nice to have someone on my side.' His voice was dripping sarcasm.

'Dommie, y'know I love you, it's just that you shouldn't have acted so impulsively--'

'Impulsively? That wasn't impulsively. This is impulsively.' A little roughly, he pulled Billy to him and kissed him.

Oh. Oh, my. I got the feeling that I really shouldn't be watching this. My curiosity had made me an unwanted intruder, yet again. I should have walked away, then. If they had seen me, they would have been horribly embarrassed.

But I couldn't stop watching. The event had an element of the bizarre to it -- they were both in full hobbit get-up, and it was rather like watching Merry and Pippin kiss, not Dominic and Billy. It also occurred to me that although I knew I number of homosexuals, I had never actually seen two boys kissing. It was exceedingly odd, yet at the same time intriguing.

This was all far too complicated for an old man. My mind began conjuring images of those mountains on the South Island, just a two-hour ferry ride away. Cool mists, gorgeous vistas, lush forests, peace and quiet. No gossip, no eavesdropping, no soap operas, no confusion. Just me and nature. Must be nice out there.

And probably deadly dull.

After a moment, Billy gently pushed Dominic away. 'No, Dom.'

'Why not?'

'It wouldn't...I don't....' Billy sighed helplessly, then grabbed Dominic's shoulders and forced him to look at him. 'Look, you're my best mate, all right? I don't ever want to lose that. Ever.'

'But you're not in love with me.'

'No. I'm not. I'm sorry, Dommie.'

Dominic's temper flared, and he shook Billy off. 'It's about Lij, isn't it? It's always about Lij. You think you're in love with him.'

'You're not really in love with me, either,' Billy said quietly, but Dominic wasn't listening. His eyes glinted with anger and hurt, but Billy was right. I couldn't see any love there. Thwarted lust, perhaps, but not love. I wondered how I could tell. When had I ever seen Dominic in love?

'What do you see in him?' Dominic demanded. Who was he talking about? Ah, yes, Elijah.

Billy smiled wryly, somehow looking far wiser than Pippin ever could. 'The same thing you do,' he replied. He turned and walked away.

Dominic just stared after him. So did I. Then I remembered that I wasn't supposed to have seen or heard any of that, so I departed hastily.

Yes, I decided, I was getting far too interested in the private lives of other cast members. A day trip to the South Island was definitely in order.

*

"She was a daaaaaaay tripper..." blares the young woman's headphones. She's standing just behind me in the line to board the plane -- finally! -- and the volume on her Discman is a little too high. Not that I particularly object to her choice of CD, but I hate it when other people impose their music on me. I always thought that the purpose of headphones was so that only the person wearing them would be able to hear the music. Clearly, I was mistaken.

At long last, I am allowed on the plane. The brief thrill at finding my seat and sitting in it dies down quickly. Ah, the age-old rule: hurry up and wait.

I have a window seat, but there isn't much to see. As in the airport, if I squint, I can just make out the mountains in the distance, shrouded in mist. But the airport had larger windows, and from the plane, my view mainly consists of asphalt.

I begin counting the minutes until takeoff.

*

I couldn't do my next scene without Elijah, so while I counted the minutes and cursed the Feet, I watched the current hobbit scene being filmed. Apparently, they all had to run and hug each other. This made for some interesting tensions and stiffness amongst the lads -- Dominic and Elijah still weren't talking to each other. Good actors they might have been, but even I could see that this was not the finest bit of film they had produced.

'All right, cut for a moment,' Peter told the cameramen, then walked over to the four young actors. 'Look, guys, that last shot looked very awkward,' he told them quietly -- but loudly enough for me, standing around with the crew, to hear.

'Sorry,' Elijah muttered, blushing under his makeup.

'Okay, fine, but it wasn't just you.' Peter turned to Dominic and Billy. 'Look, Merry and Pippin haven't seen Frodo in a while, okay? He's been very ill, you even thought he might die, and now you see him walking around, looking perfectly healthy. Right? This makes you very happy! And Frodo, Sam's the only one who's been allowed to stay by you, you've missed the other two. You all know how close these four are. Come on, guys, it's a short take. Whatever baggage you've brought here today, please lose it once the cameras start rolling. You've got a minute to sort this out, then we're going to try it again. Okay?'

They all nodded, a little ashamed. When Peter walked away, Elijah and Dominic both stared at the ground. Dominic tugged on his ear, and Elijah's hand twitched -- he was probably contemplating the length of his fingernails. I rolled my eyes. It's amazing, how a simple apology can make grown men act like children.

'Elijah, this is your go,' Sean said quietly. Dominic shot him a grateful look.

'Yeah,' Elijah said. He glanced up at Dominic. 'Dom, I'm really sorry about the other night.'

'Yeah, so am I,' Dominic replied, relieved. 'I guess I was kind of an asshole.' I was glad that he didn't shove all the blame onto the younger boy.

'No, it was my fault, I shouldn't have blown up, it was really dumb of me.'

'You're allowed to get angry. I shouldn't have let it go on this long, though.'

'Yeah, me neither.'

'You guys ready?' Peter called.

'Yes,' Billy replied, green eyes flicking from Dominic to Elijah. A small, satisfied smile appeared on his face. 'Now we are.'

The next shot was much better. I watched Frodo practically leap into Merry's arms, with genuine laughter mixed with a tinge of relief. Merry hugged him back, grinning widely.

As Dominic stepped back, he flung an arm around Sean, giving him a grateful squeeze. It wasn't in the script, but I doubted that Peter would mind.

I continued watching them, a small smile tugging at the edges of my mouth. Call me a sap, but I like it when friends stay friends. Maybe now that I knew this ridiculous fight was over, I would stop eavesdropping. It was certainly satisfying to see them all smiling for once. Dominic's face was practically glowing as he watched Elijah and Billy embrace.

I suddenly remembered when I had seen Dominic in love before. The look was back. From my unfortunate angle, I couldn't tell who it was focused on.

But I had a very good guess.

*

"When d'you suppose we'll be taking off?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," I reply. The young man sitting in the seat beside me shifts a little, impatiently, less than content with my answer. I know how he feels. Insult upon injury. They delay our flight by two hours, then once we're finally on the plane, we sit on the runway for half an hour more.

An earlier flight to London left on time. Why on earth am I going to Los Angeles? At this rate, I'll never get to the premiere of my latest movie, which probably no one will see anyway. You'd be amazed at how many movies you can do without ever being recognized on the streets. Ah, well.

Perhaps 'Lord of the Rings' will change that, although it seems impossible to see that far into the future. What is it, two years until it will be released?

With a little luck, this lousy plane will get me to L.A. in time for THAT premiere. Although I wouldn't bet on it.

I stare out the miniscule window again, squinting wistfully at the mountains. I'd like to visit them again.

*

'I want to see mountains again, Gandalf, mountains....' I smiled fondly, reviewing old script pages. I hadn't thrown a single one out yet -- as demonstrated by the state of my trailer, which strongly resembled what a paper factory might look like after being hit by a tornado. I liked it that way.

Perusing Bilbo's little speech about the Shire, I couldn't help but wonder if Tolkien had ever visited New Zealand. Well, of course he hadn't, but it's amazing how closely this island nation resembles Middle Earth. Except that it isn't quite so large, and there's a bit too much sea.

I heard a light rapping on the door of my trailer. Inspired by the sheet of paper in my hand, I shouted, 'No, thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations!' Then it occurred to me that unless my visitor was Peter or the other Ian, they probably would not recognize the line and might take offense.

Luck was on my side. 'And what about very old friends?' Ian McKellen asked, pushing the door open and sticking his head in.

I suppressed a smile. 'I should've known it would be you. No one else ever pops by here. I'm not particularly popular, you know.'

'Oh, come now,' he said, stepping inside. 'Everyone here is rather fond of you.'

'I'm old and prickly,' I sniffed haughtily. 'And I grumble too much by half.'

'They are fond of you nonetheless. You really are Uncle Bilbo to some of those lads, you know.'

I am far too easily flattered. 'Well, what do you want, then?'

Ian plopped down on the only paper-free chair, settling in comfortably. 'Have you seen Orlando around anywhere?'

'Not today. It's our day off. Why should I have?'

His eyes twinkled. 'Because from what I hear, you're very good at keeping tabs on everyone. Almost as good at keeping up with gossip as I am, especially when it comes to your fellow hobbits and their partners in crime.'

So maybe I never gave up eavesdropping, and maybe I grill Sean for information every now and then. As a matter of fact, I had seen Orlando, just half an hour earlier. But I was not about to tell Ian that. The boy needed his privacy, after all. He and Viggo were off behind a small grove of trees, involved in a number of unspeakable activities. 'Scandalous,' Sean would have called it, I'm sure. At any rate, I very much doubted that Orlando wished to be found.

'Sorry, can't help you this time. Why are you looking for him?'

'I'm not,' Ian replied, running a hand through his short, grey hair. 'Elijah is. He probably will find Orlando, too, so I thought I'd better check and see if he'll be happy once he does.'

I winced. 'Wise of you. Will you delay Elijah while I go warn them?'

'Them? Ah, yes, Messers Bloom and -- Mortenson?' I nodded in affirmation. 'I suspected as much. Poor Lij.'

'Why is he looking for Orlando, again?'

'Oh, probably just wants to go to a pub. Or perhaps he fancies a shag.'

'Do you suppose he'll ever give up this ridiculous thing he has for elves and move on?'

Ian looked pensive. 'Hmm. Perhaps we should let him find them, after all. It might cure him.'

I snorted. 'Yes, if the shock doesn't kill him first. Oh, come on, then.'

Mr. McKellen stood reluctantly. I impatiently edged him out the door, muttering under my breath about old men meddling in the affairs of younger men. 'I really should stop looking out for them,' I groused. 'I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return.'

His eyes twinkled at me again. 'Aren't you leaving in a week, anyway?'

'Yes, of course, and life will go back to being dull. My children won't let me interfere with their social lives at all. It's dreadfully boring.'

'Such a pity. Now, where did you say our shag-happy friends were?'

'I didn't. They're...' I stopped. Elijah was walking towards us, hands stuck in the pockets of his jeans, the picture of nonchalance.

'Oh, hello, Ian and Ian.' He grinned.

'Lij. Did you find Orlando?' Ian asked cordially.

Elijah nodded, jerking his head to indicate the direction he had just come from. 'Yeah, he's off wanking Viggo behind a tree.' He snickered. Elijah had a rather high-pitched giggle, I noticed.

Ian and I exchanged a look. 'Er, that doesn't bother you at all?' I half-squeaked. Very dignified.

The boy's grin didn't fade at all. 'I thought it would,' he replied cheerfully. 'But now that it comes to it, I think I'm relieved. I always thought he preferred Dom, you see.'

I recalled Ian McKellen's little flow chart from my early days of filming. 'I thought you fancied Orlando...' My voice trailed off, as the other Ian winced. Meddling old men, of course.

But Elijah just shrugged it off. 'Well, he's very pretty, isn't he? But I got over him a long time ago. Come on, gentlemen, I thought your information was more up-to-date than this.'

We just gaped at him. I can't speak for my fellow knight, but I for one felt exceedingly foolish.

'Actually, Mr. Holm, I have a question for you,' Elijah continued. 'You remember a few weeks ago, when Dom and I had the fight in the pub? Well, I was wondering, how much of my discussion with Sean did you overhear afterwards?' I tried to look stern, pressing my lips together and glaring at him, but he just snickered again. 'Oh, I saw you, I was just too mad at Dommie to care. I figure you left at some point during my crying jag, right?'

'I slipped away to the pub's side entrance, yes,' I replied stiffly, and a little sheepishly.

'Yeah, that's what I thought. Just wondering. I'll see you both later!' He waved, grinning cheekily, and scampered off.

Ian just looked at me. I sighed. 'So much for being unnoticed.'

'Oh, I'm sure he appreciates the attention,' Ian replied. 'It was rather silly of us to worry about him, wasn't it?'

I groaned. 'Oh, I should have figured this out ages ago. If it weren't for your little love chain monstrosity, I would never have even thought he fancied Orlando. He didn't seem to care at all about the boy's affair with that 'Star Wars' actress.'

'That chain was shot all to hell during their vacation,' Ian admitted ruefully. 'I'd be very surprised if even one link of it is still accurate.'

'Hmph. And I thought I was being so subtle and clever.'

'Well, it's only to be expected. We're bumbling, meddling old men, after all.' He smiled mischievously. 'And you didn't think anyone could fall in love in one month!'

'I don't even want to think about it,' I declared. 'I want to get away from them all. I should spend my last week exploring the South Island alone.'

Ian laughed. 'Alone? What fun would that be? Come, let's go to my place. We can drink to the foolishness of old men whilst we're watching the interisland ferry chug across the water and envying its passengers.'

*

"I don't envy the passengers on that old bird," a voice says beside me. I jump a little in my seat, startled. My neighbor is leaning over, looking out my window. I glance at the plane he's referring to. One of those frighteningly fragile-looking four-seaters.

I sigh. "If they're taking off anytime in the next year, I'd trade places with them in a moment. The one we're in seems to be permanently grounded."

He chuckles. "It's always like this. You don't fly often, do you?"

I somehow manage to bite back a sharp retort. I don't fly often? What nonsense! I've probably been riding airplanes since before this young chap was born! "I've flown before," I tell him, forcing my voice to remain calm and unconcerned.

He gives me a condescending smile and opens a magazine. Insolent brute.

*

'Insolent brutes! Deformities! Sadistic scoundrels! Bloody bastards!' I had just finished my final day of filming, and I was finally having it out with the Feet. Gleefully, I attacked them with a pair of scissors (they were no longer attached to my own feet, mind), hurling a month of pent-up abuse on them. Never mind that technically I got a different set of prosthetics every day; this one pair would just have to receive the brunt of my revenge. 'Hairy beasts!' Each word was accompanied by a jab with the scissors. 'Stinky--' jab! '--ugly--' jab! '--clumsy--'

Sean was laughing at my antics. He was the only actor still in the make-up trailer, getting his own Feet removed. The makeup people were eying me nervously as they worked on him -- probably trying to get out of there as quickly as possible, lest I turn on them next.

'I think they're properly dead now,' Sean commented, as I paused for breath.

'I wouldn't bet on it,' I remarked darkly. 'Filthy creatures.'

'And you only had to wear them for a month.'

'Long enough.' Jab!

Sean laughed again, then looked thoughtful. 'You really are leaving tomorrow, then.'

I glanced up at him, momentarily distracted from my Feet mutilation. 'Don't be daft, of course I'm leaving. There's nothing more for me to film, we finished the Grey Havens bit today. You know that.'

'Yeah, it just never really sunk in. It'll be weird, not having you around in this trailer every day.'

'Nonsense,' I scoffed. 'I was only here for a month, you'll have completely forgotten about me in another week or so.'

'But just think! In that one month, you nearly managed to surpass Sir Ian McKellen as the king of gossip.' A pensive look crossed over his face. 'Must be something about the name,' he mused.

'Yes, well, it was all his fault anyway.'

'I suspected as much. What time does your flight leave tomorrow?'

'10:30 AM, I believe. Horrid, isn't it? While you all get to sleep in on your day off, I have to be out of here by eight in the morning or so.' I stood, regretfully putting down the scissors. Ah, well, the Feet had been reduced to mere scraps of rubber, anyhow. 'I should probably be going. Must finish packing, and all that.'

'Well, it's been nice working with you,' Sean said, waving. 'If any of the others are still waiting for me outside, tell 'em I'll be out in a few minutes.'

'All right. Goodbye, Sean.'

'Bye, Ian.'

I stepped outside. Billy was leaning against the side of the trailer, alone, looking a bit downcast. 'Sean will be out in a minute,' I told him. 'Where are Dominic and Elijah?'

He gestured vaguely off in the direction of the small parking lot. 'We got bored waiting and they started fooling around. I think Lijah swiped Dom's magazine, something stupid like that, and took off with it, and Dom went after him.' Billy shrugged. 'This happened all of two minutes ago, they'll be back eventually.'

'Ah. I see.' I looked Billy over. He wasn't exactly cheerful, but neither did he seem particularly depressed. Well, this was my last day, I might as well give it a go. 'Do you still fancy the lad?' I asked quietly, carefully.

Billy gave me a small smile. 'I guess, but that's all right. It wouldn't have worked out, anyway. I'm a little too old for him.' He looked off into the distance wistfully. I'd forgotten that he was the oldest of the hobbits (well, after me, that is), but now that his makeup was gone, I could almost see the beginnings of crow's feet and laugh lines on his face. And he just looked older without his customary smile. 'Besides, I hear that on-set romances are notoriously hellish.'

'I suppose they are.'

Billy looked back at me and grinned. 'But ever so intriguing. Right, Sir Ian?'

'Just a little,' I agreed. I held out a hand to him, and he shook it. 'It's been lovely working with you, Mr. Boyd.'

'And spying on me?'

'That, too,' I admitted. He chuckled. 'Well, I'll be off then.'

I turned and walked away. As I approached the parking lot, I could hear muffled sounds of laughter and protest. These sounds seemed to be coming from within a convenient grove of trees. Funny, how those always pop up in just the right places.

Curiosity overcame me -- surprise, surprise -- and I quietly wandered over to see what was going on.

Elijah was the one laughing. He was clutching an unidentifiable magazine closely to his chest, while Dominic was trying to wrestle it out of his grasp. 'Give me...my...bloody...magazine,' Dominic grunted, but the smaller boy was apparently stronger than he looked.

'It's just a stupid magazine, Dommie,' Elijah taunted. 'Why so possessive? What in here is so important? Something juicy, I hope.'

'Fucking...cunt!' Dominic gave one last tug, and finally managed to wrench the thing out of Elijah's arms, effectively tearing it in half in the process. Elijah laughed again. 'Oh, really funny,' Dominic sighed. 'Bloody hilarious, mate. Now it's ruined.'

'Your own fault,' Elijah replied cheerfully. Dominic's face twisted into an exaggerated pout. 'Aw, poor Dommie.' He patted Dominic's cheek lightly, and the Brit grinned reluctantly.

'You're gonna buy me a new one, y'know,' Dominic told him, leaning closer. I assumed that he was trying to look menacing, but the effect was ruined by his grin.

Elijah suddenly flashed him a very mischievous smile, then leaned forward and kissed him on the nose. Dominic looked startled, for a moment, then retaliated by kissing Elijah on the lips.

This kiss lasted for some time.

After a few seconds, I turned and walked to my car, smiling. I had seen enough. They were in love, and it was none of my business.

*

"That's a nice wristwatch, where'd you get it?"

I'm tempted to tell the fellow that it is none of his business, but politeness wins over -- barely. I glance at the clunky, shiny thing on my wrist. "Some friends gave it to me, as a sort of going-away gift."

They had given it to me just this morning, actually. Sean, Billy, and Ian had surprised me by showing up at my place just before I left. Ian presented the watch to me, with a little speech about its significance as a reminder of all the time we'd spent together, or some bollocks like that. Billy then leaned over, whispering conspiratorially that in fact, it represented the time they'd wasted trying (and failing) to find a gift with actual significance. Either way, I appreciated the gesture.

"Oh, do you live in New Zealand, then?" my neighbor asks me. I wonder if the man has an off-button, or if I'm going to have to put up with his chatter for the whole trip.

"No," I reply shortly. "I was here, er, on business." Damned if I'm going to tell him that I was filming. I can't begin to imagine the amount of inane questions he would have if he knew I was an actor.

"So who gave you the watch? Coworkers?"

"Yes, something like that." Will it never end?

"Nice of them to do that," he comments in an offhand manner. "Must be thoughtful people."

Well, some of them are, anyway. Sean apologized for Elijah's and Dominic's absence. 'They probably forgot. They'll be sorry when they realize they've missed you,' he said, then smiled wickedly -- making me wonder how I could have ever thought he resembled a cocker spaniel. 'But after their behavior last night -- well, they're probably busy with other things right now.'

'Other things?' I asked.

Sean's eyes glinted. 'Scandalous.'

I chuckled. 'I certainly hope so.'

The plane suddenly starts accelerating, and I realize that we're about to take off. "About time," the man next to me mutters.

I don't respond, just stare out the window. As we rise into the sky, I finally get a good look at the mountains on South Island. Gorgeous. I'm going to miss always having those mountains just visible in the distance. Almost as much as I'll miss those crazy lads, and their hijinks, and their gossip.

Ian told me I was in for a treat. He was right. He was also right about being able to fall in love in only a month. It's just a pity I had to leave so soon.

Almost unconsciously, I begin humming, under my breath. "The road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began...."

The plane goes above a cloud, and New Zealand vanishes from sight.


End file.
